As I comb my closet looking for the perfect “drag” for tonight, I wonder “will I say yes?” Not to marriage, but a sexual relationship with the implication of being monogamous. John said he needed an answer by tonight or we would no longer be able to “hang out”. In either case, he wants definition to the ambiguous. At this point I’m not sure I can allow someone in, or even want to. Being jaded can be an asset as well a drawback when causally dating.
For instance, I can usually shrug it off when promises extend to more then just a meal or physical gratification. How could I engage in a relationship based off of obligations I doubt either of us can live up to?
How can I not? When John first stated his position, I was almost overwhelmed with the litany of names belonging to people I have said yes to. The countless times I’ve allowed myself the belief that it could work out which always resulted in the months afterwards where I laid broken, wondering if this is the culmination of loving someone that refuses to respect you.
The first, I threw myself at wholeheartedly, as only the young can. Before even undergoing the inner turmoil, only being black and gay can amass. I was naïve enough to cling to something without first analyzing it and paid the price. I lost innocent that I know realize it is futile to try to hold on to, though I can admit missing the blanket of ignorance it surrounded me in, once it is gone. Of course, the first rejected me. Only sadists are attracted to blind adoration.
The second guy to hurt me did so out of paranoia. He obsessed over an attraction that he presumed I honed though I still doubt I possess. Interestingly enough, he helped me understand men’s’ desire to physically control their property. He was the first that attempt to claim me with extremes of sensuality and violence.
I’ve learned to understand the efficiency of it even in my revulsion. Through the third, I learned the power of indifference. Rather, my attraction to it. I’m still not sure how I could have thrown myself at someone for over a year and I’m not even sure if he knows my last name.
So where does this leave James and I? How can I learn from my past relationships when the relationship was the mistake? How can I let someone in and still hold on to my autonomy. I realize now what I’ll do, I’ll submit like always and hope he’s different, since I’m clearly not.